


My War

by nefertaricezn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon fanon, F/M, I do erase some actual plot things for the sake of my sanity, Kinda Dark, Occasional fluff, Romance, TITANS!, Young Love, feels kinda like this wont go anywhere lmao, isayama doesnt deserve this fandom, they're everywhere, unedited!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-23 00:49:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30047385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nefertaricezn/pseuds/nefertaricezn
Summary: When Taja was twelve, an unexpected visitor came to stay with her family and not long after, destruction struck. They stay close, but between the secrets both hide, and the chaos of their home, there isn't a chance for the life of peace they used to have.
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be the prologue and hhh I know it's bad shhh, the important part is that the rest of it is better

It's a cool evening just outside the wall of Shiganshina. The trees sway ever so slightly, and sometimes if you listen close enough, you can hear the chatter of birds within the trees. It's peaceful.

Taja has a basket against her hip, filled nearly to the brim of that year's harvest. Ripe fruit, mostly berries, ready to be eaten and enjoyed before the weeks end. At least, if her father was home, they'd be gone before tomorrow night. Some will be saved for selling, of course, enough to keep food in their mouths and money in their pockets.

She walks back from the farm, leisure and slow. There was no definite need for her to be quick with returning home on such a fine evening, so she stays out. She passes shops she longs to buy dresses from, and as silly as it is, she longs to not just wear them, but to dance in them! If only dreams could come true.

When she does return home, someone new sits in her dining room. He's tall and lanky, as if he doesn't quite fit in his body. He's got kind eyes, a deep brown, and even darker hair. He looks nervous, like even being there makes him feel anxious, too anxious to be comfortable.

"Oh, hi!" She stares at him for another second before she's greeted by her mom.

"Ah, Taja! Your father found a wandering boy all alone. His name is Bertolt, be nice. He's lost family to the titans in the mountains." Her mother warns as she takes the basket. "Your father is out back, chopping wood, if you'd like to talk to him."

Taja looks back at the boy. His gaze doesn't meet hers, instead steeling themselves on the wooden table. He seems kind, so she moves to sit across from him, placing the basket of berries between them. She pushes the basket over to him.

"Hi, friend." She tilts her head, as if checking to see if he was even paying attention to her. "Care for some berries? You can have as many as you'd like!"

He stares at her hands, at the bindings around her fingers. He looks inquisitive, but he only reaches for some berries, popping them into his mouth shortly after. "T - Thanks..."

Her lips purse and she pulls her hand back to her side. "You can ask about them if you want... I know you saw them."

The boy, Bertolt, looks startled, as if she had been listening in on his inner thoughts. "O - Oh, um, what... what are they for? If you don't mind my asking..."

"My dad says that if I cut any of these fingers, something bad will happen, but he gets antsy no matter what. So maybe it's just if I get hurt." She shrugs lightly, flexing her fingers. "That's why I plan on joining the survey corps. I'm not some fragile princess waiting for her knight in shining armor! I'm gonna be someone super awesome and invincible!"

Bertolt stares at her, nervous eyes wide. He seems.... amused, but not in the "haha silly girl" way. It was more like admiration for her determination - even if her idea of a dream is and always has been, impossible to achieve. Everyone knows that the Survey Corps is where you go to die. There are no victories in a service like that.

"I'm sure you'll be successful." He murmurs, though his quiet voice is not unheard by her.

She grins. "You should come with me! We'd be an unstoppable duo, huh?"

-

She holds a bloodied toy in her hands. It doesn't look like a bunny, with it's long limbs and funky head. It was a gift from her mom when she was four. It wasn't something she thought she'd take anywhere with her, but here she sits in the back of a wagon with Bertolt and his friend Reiner.

Her grip on the doll is tight, so tight her knuckles are turning white. She hasn't spoken a word to either of them since the titans came, but neither seem to mind. She can't even recall how the night had gone, where it had all gone wrong when the lumbering giants fell upon her quiet village. She recalls the moment Bertolt arrived and a few of the days spent in his company, and yet, she could not, for the life of her, recall why and how she ended up in a wagon with a toy in her hands.

Reiner's asleep, passed out against the splintered wood. She ought to ask why he's so comfortable in a rocky wagon of all places, but her voice doesn't come. It stays stuck in her throat like a nightmare and there isn't a thing she can do to stop it. She leans against Bertolt, out of instinctive need for comfort, and he provides all that he can. Maybe one day she'll be invincible.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter feels odd and idk how to explain it. No it's not the beginning which serves for comedic purposes only 😤 anyways, enjoy!! (I may or may not be switching tenses but idk)

“WHAT’S YOUR NAME, CADET?”

“TAJA. TAJA BLAST, LIKE BAHA BLAST, SIR.”

“WHO ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH GAVE YOU THAT NAME?”

“YOUR MOM. SIR.”

Taja was playing a game. One neither she nor Bertolt was sure she’d win. Bravery was her strongest attribute, but her hubris would not last very long. Not if she kept pissing off her commanding officers, at least. 

It had been a few years since the wall was breached, a few years since Taja had gone from picking berries to starting fights in the streets and winning bets to make it far enough to join the Survey Corps. She wasn’t always alone, but sometimes she acted like she was. Like her actions wouldn’t matter to anyone else, wouldn’t hurt anyone else. 

“Do you think you’re being smart, Cadet?” Shadis keeps his gaze on her, a frown set deep on his face. “Do you?”

She stares back at him, wanting to challenge his authority, but she doesn’t. “No, Sir. Sorry, Sir.”

He’s pleased. “Run until sundown, Cadet.” 

There’s a brief silence broken by quiet gasps from the other cadets when Taja, despite her defiance, obeys. She’ll poke and prod the bear however long she likes, but when the fight isn’t there, she won’t bother with it. The fight was hardly ever there anymore.

She doesn’t move at first until she’s picked up by her collar and shoved out of formation. She stumbled towards the outer ring of the formation, where she sees the fence of the training grounds. She’s angry, but she follows his orders and begins running.

As the day passes, she continues to run and is aware of people watching. She didn’t care whether it was Shadis or any of the other stupid people in the camp. She’d prefer it if Bertolt didn’t see —he’s always disapproved of her recklessness, especially if it put her at a disadvantage. 

He’s funny that way. Since the day they first met, he had always been the one to worry over her actions, even if the only one who ever ended up hurt was her. She appreciated it then, and she appreciates it now. It’s why she hopes he isn’t watching, or thinking about watching. She hopes he’s not thinking of her at all — it would be wonderful if that’s the case.

She hears panting behind her and as she turns her head, she spots another girl running with her. She hadn’t stayed to hear her name, but it’s comforting to know she isn’t alone. 

“Hey!” The girl catches up to her, out of breath and exhausted. “What you did out there was awesome! Is your name actually Taja Blast?”

Taja’s bewildered, but she scoffs lightly. “Nah, it isn’t, and thanks. What are you here for?” 

“Eating,” she laughs, but doesn’t seem bothered, “I’m Sasha! Hope we can be friends!"

She thinks about it for a while, falling quiet although that was mostly because if she continued talking, she might run out of breath and pass out. She gives Sasha a nod instead and smiles when the girl lets out a whoop of excitement. It still changes nothing about their fate to run until sundown, but at least they have each other. 

Hours later, they stumble into the mess hall, falling over each other from the weakness of their legs. They each sit at their respective tables with Taja sitting at Reiner and Bertolt. 

"Bet you won't go challenging him again, eh?" Reiner snorts, practically slamming his hand against her back. "Congrats on not passing out, though." 

"I'm perfectly fine and okay." She grumbles, head flat against the table. "Are you gonna eat that bread?" 

Reiner purses his lips before tossing the loaf at her. "Have at it." 

"You're going to be sore tomorrow," Bertolt frowns, "we've got gear training coming up. You might want to prepare."

She shoves a chunk of bread into her mouth, unaware of how hungry she actually was. "Prepare for training, got it." 

"You can't brush this off like it's nothing, Taja. If you want to be in the Survey Corps, you have to prove it." Bertolt keeps his gaze on her, though, he's more worried about her lack of water. "Are you sure you're okay?" 

She's silent for a moment. "If any of us were okay, we wouldn't be here." 

"Save the dramatics for Shadis." Reiner snorts, though he seems to agree with her words. "That Eren kid over there was there during the fall of Shiganshina. The other cadets say he was right by the wall before it happened." 

"So were we when we all got separated. What difference does it make?" She looks up at him, though when he looks at her, she isn't all there. "I'll beat your ass in training, you know that right, Reiner? You're gonna lose to a little lady." 

Bertolt's expression softens slightly when the two begin bickering, as they always did since the moment they all became friends. Reiner hadn't always been with the two of them, but when he did join them, he and Taja were quick to butt heads regardless of what it was. It could be about the shirt they were wearing, or the mess hall food. They'd always find a way to bicker. 

They don't stop bickering until Shadis enters from an unrelated incident. Mikasa, one of Eren's friends, passed the noise off as Sasha farting. The entire room falls into a standstill before badly suppressed giggles are scattered across the room. 

Taja scrunches up her face. "You guys wouldn't do me dirty like that, would you?" 

"I don't know, you make it very tempting not to." Reiner replies, arms crossing over his chest. "We both know Bertolt won't. He's soft on you." 

Taja, slightly satisfied with his answer, finished off her bread and whatever else she could grab from Reiner's tray. Bertolt's kind enough to share some of his food and it reminds her of the berries they shared, before the titans came. 

She gets a distant look in her eyes and her gaze drops from what food Bertolt shared, to the dusty ground. It was the moment where they woke up with everything and closed their eyes with nothing, and for a while, there was no Reiner and Bertolt. It was just her. She recalled looking back for them, and not finding them anywhere. She doesn't want that feeling ever again. 

"Taja?" 

"I'm fine, Bertolt." 

-

The cabin is quiet. It's all girls, understandably. Boys will only cause trouble, but Taja can't shake the fear. The fear of closing her eyes and being alone again. It's in her bones and drips down like molasses. 

Every part of her feels stuck to the sheets of her bed, like something weighs down on her chest. She stares blankly up at the top bunk. Her mind will not be silenced, it can't be. 

All at once it shows her all that she had lost, all that left her behind. She ought to wonder where Bertolt and Reiner had gone, but she hadn't ever thought to ask. 

She thinks about what she told Bertolt before they separated ways for the night. She always tells him that same lie, any time he worries, any time Reiner worries. But now, surrounded by nothing but strangers with only an old, ragged bunny toy to keep her company, she is not okay. 

There's a brief moment of hesitance before she swings herself upright, feet flat against the cool wood of the floors. The cold jolts her mind, shakes it back into focus. She shoves the toy under her pillow and buries her face in her hands. 

"Hey," she hears, whispered from across the room though it feels more like a whisper yell. 

Taja looks up, through parted fingers, to see Sasha staring at her with furrowed brows. 

"What?" She forces herself to sound cordial, though she wants nothing more than to scream at the world. 

Sasha tilts her head. "Are you okay? You look like you could go for a walk." 

"I think I've had enough of using my legs for the day." Taja replies, shaking her head. "Why are you even awake?"

"Couldn't sleep," she shrugs, "my mom says it's best to take a walk and clear your mind when you can't sleep." 

Sasha's already up and putting her shoes on before Taja can even tell her no.

"Come on," she holds a hand out for her, waiting. 

Taja stares for a moment before she puts her shoes on, slowly. She hopes Sasha can't see her hands tremble, or the fact that her body is cold and clammy. She doesn't and happily pulls her outside. 

Neither speak for a long while, but Taja feels at peace outside. The cool air soothes the fear in her bones, calming like a gentle lullaby. She wonders if this is what peace feels like. 

"What's up with you and Bertolt? You always seem to be together? Some sort of promise?" Sasha's eyes are bright and cheery as she walks beside Taja. "I think it's cute. His sweater is adorable!" 

Taja spares a soft smile. "We came here together. I don't really want to talk about it, but we've been through a lot together. Though, I've only known him a little over five years." 

"You say that as if it's not long at all!" She gawks, eyes wide. "That's a long time! Was he always so quiet?"

"Yes. He hasn't changed much, but that's okay. He talks when there's always something to be said." She looks down, as if recalling something except her mind is blank. "We used to eat berries in the summer, under the big oak tree that overlooked my family's farm. He liked the blueberries more, but if you turned the raspberries into dessert, you'll win him over." 

"Woow… that sounds so nice!" Sasha's mouth waters, no doubt thinking about the food she could be eating had she not joined the corps. "Oooh, raspberry cake…" 

"I could make it for you one day, you know." She offers, though, she isn't even sure she remembers how to make it. 

"Really?! That would be so awesome!" Sasha melts into drooling and imagining all sorts of food she could have Taja make. "Mmmm cake~"

Taja looks away slowly. "But you didn't bring me out here to talk about cake, did you?" 

"Nope!" Sasha shakes her head lightly. "I just knew you were struggling so I wanted to help. I know you have Reiner and Bertolt, but you seem to be pretty reserved around even them. It's always nice to have someone to be honest with!" 

She purses her lips. Honesty is vulnerability and vulnerability leads to weakness and that can lead to so many different things. One of which is being abandoned. She doesn't want to lose anymore, but Sasha's words are tempting. 

"I'll keep that in mind." It's not a reply she wants to give, but it's the only one that makes her feel less guilty about not having a definite response. "This is nice…. Thank you." 

Sasha only smiles and turns her gaze to the night sky. If only the mornings were as peaceful as it was now. Maybe then she might find peace in closing her eyes for the night. 

They stay out, walking, for a good while before returning to their respective bunks. Taja still struggles with sleeping — no amount of peaceful walks can ever soothe that ache, but she is still glad to be asleep. 


End file.
